1 Year of Mindfully Missing My Mother

As many of you know, and several of you don’t, in November of 2016 (unlovingly marked the sh*ttiest year in history for most of the world), I lost my mom. It’s a long story, and it’s beyond emotionally taxing to dive into it, as I’m sure many of you who’ve lost someone close to you can understand. So, if you want to learn more about the backstory, feel free to read about it here and here.

 

Thankfully, this is all about healing and taking the time every day to recognize a moment or photo or piece of my mother that I miss each time it hits me. It’s about moving forward, moving on and healing while recognizing how I can take advantage of the ways my mother lives on.

My mother passed on November 22, the following two weeks trudged by in a blur, and then her birthday came on December 7. The next day, my cousin and his wife had their beautiful baby, Morgan Lynn, and thus marks the beginning of my journey to both miss my mother and move on, with her in my heart.

Day 1 – Dec. 8

Morgan was born. Exactly two weeks and two days early. Her middle name is “Lynn,” after my mother. A name she also passed to me. A piece of her living on in a new life. It’s so precious, and she would’ve adored that. I can see her now, crying–happy tears of course–while I shake my head, hug her and tell her not to cry. Because she always cried when things moved her, but mostly because it probably would’ve made me tear up, too.

Day 2 – Dec. 9

 

Day 3 – Dec. 10

 

Day 4 – Dec. 11

Today, I told someone that I applied to graduate school. It was in passing. The reaction was almost nonchalant, and it made me miss the way my mother made the important things I did into a really big deal. I knew they were important, but her reaction and encouragement always made them feel like an accomplishment I should be proud of. And also that I was just quite frankly the most important person on planet earth. I miss that.

Day 5 – Dec. 12

In the midst of the chaos this evening–dishes, dinner, kids–my daughter picked up a condolences card I’d received in the mail and proceeded to ask over and over again, “What’s this? Mama what’s this card say? Mama, what’s this for?” I finally responded, curtly, with, “It’s a card someone sent us because Mimi died.” To which, she must’ve sensed why I was originally ignoring her and said, “Does it make you sad?”

“Yes, Ella, it does.”

Day 6 – Dec. 13

Tonight I dreamt of my mother for the first time since she passed. One of the more realistic dreams I’ve had, and I conversed with her. She came into my house with a friend of hers, like she was coming back from a trip. My dad, her friend and Matt conversed in our kitchen like nothing had happened, but I did not. I stewed in my bedroom because I knew she had passed and was mad. Finally, I went into my kitchen, walked up to her and said, “Mom, this isn’t real. You’re dead.” She looked at me and acknowledged my statement as it was true. I then proceeded to cry as she held me. Afterwards, I asked her questions: “Are you okay?” “Are you with family?” “How’s grandma?” “Am I good person in my life?” and on and on. She answered them all. Although it was likely just my mind trying to soothe me, it was, indeed, just that–very soothing. She seemed all-knowing. She seemed at peace.

Day 7 – Dec. 14

Day 8 – Dec. 15

Day 9 – Dec. 16

Day 10 – Dec. 17

Getting sucked into Hallmark Christmas movies this evening, Lori Loughlin’s words about her father passing, during commercial promo, continuously made me think of my mother.

Day 11 – Dec. 18

Day 12 – Dec. 19

Day 13 – Dec. 20

I rarely get sick. I get migraines quite a bit, but other than that, I don’t get colds often and next to never get the flu. Today, for only the second time in my adult life, I got a 24-hour stomach bug. Every time I do get sick, I text or call my mom, and she gives me advice on what to do. Sometimes it really is the little things, but it was extra hard not being able to reach out to her today.

Day 14 – Dec. 21

Day 15 – Dec. 22

Day 16 – Dec. 23

Day 17 – Dec. 24

Day 18 – Dec. 25

Day 19 – Dec. 26

Day 20 – Dec. 27

Day 21 – Dec. 28

Day 22 – Dec. 29

Day 23 – Dec. 30

I had a thought (around 3-4 a.m.) that I enjoy–let me preface it. Since my mother has passed, people who’ve had some sort of shield up, persona to maintain or personal barrier to surpass have melted completely. Both people I’ve barely known and people I’ve known my entire life have completely changed, disregarded, positive-fied their interactions with me. My thought is simply that if we were to act towards everyone as if someone important to them had just passed, we would all be more open, more kind and do more, get along more, love more.

 

I want to start something. A way to put out into the universe your feelings for your mother, your feelings of grief or just something you love about your mom, whether she passed recently, years ago or even if she’s in the process of slipping away. I’m going to put together a tribute to the women who raised us.

 

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