10 Things No One Tells You About Post-Baby Body

For those women who were blessed with super pregnancy genetics or able to stay in shape and maintain their glorious pre-baby body, my hat’s off to you, and I also have some built up anger towards you stored in the back of my brain that I blame for my inability to lose more weight. It’s okay though. It forces me to compensate in other areas, like writing and making lists.

And with that, here are 10 things no one thinks to share with you about post-baby body.

1. Getting dressed and using the restroom while you’re dressed—with the underwear and the spanks and the bra that’s a full body suit—will now be, at least, a 10 minute ordeal. And by ordeal, I mean the definition of ordeal: a painful or horrific experience.

2. People may tell you that every time they sneeze they pee a little and you may laugh, but what they really mean by that is your bladder has gone from let’s say the capacity of a dam to the capacity of two swinging doors at your local saloon.

3. If you thought periods were rough before, you may beg to experience the pre-birth ones again. Periods are just so much more generous in your post-baby body, with the blood and the bloating and the hanger. Really, you shouldn’t have, Aunt Flo. It’s too much.

4. The shopping and the mirrors and the clothing sizes, oh my! *Insert hysterically laughing and crying emoticon here*

5. Your post-baby body will likely react to summer like it’s the plague. Before it was a relaxing, happy, sunny time; now, it’s a sweaty, overheated, kids all around making noise, smelly, disgusting, headache of a mess.

6. It’s a very real possibility that you may go from never, ever considering plastic surgery to Google searching “tummy tuck” on your computer.

7. Your body will surprise you with how long it can run on no sleep and caffeine.

8. If you didn’t have it before, you will acquire super sonic hearing that allows you to hear or awake to any noise a child makes within a one-mile radius.

9. You may never willingly put on shorts or a swim suit again.

10. Who needs tattoos? You have tiger stripes—more commonly referred to as stretch marks—and they’re just as artistic … and permanent.

This all may seem a bit disheartening, but if you have children, you know, really, it’s not. They’re worth every grey hair and sleepless night, but sometimes it’s just nice to sit back and laugh about the changes and transitions we as women and life-providing vessels must endure. Still, I would rather turn into one big stretch mark than think of my life without children. Plus, when you find the right person to raise children with, it becomes obvious having a Victoria’s-Secret-model body is not what life’s all about.

Our physicality is never permanent, and it should never define us. Our influence, our character, and our family are what is truly important. Regardless of the size of your mom jeans, you’re still you, you’re still beautiful, and you can still enjoy a laugh on behalf of all mom bodies out there. Who knows? Maybe the ‘mom bod’ will become the new ‘dad bod’ trend sometime in the near future.

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26 thoughts on “10 Things No One Tells You About Post-Baby Body

  1. Wonderful post! It is definitely a wake up call after having a baby. I hate women who are like I am back in my pre-pregnancy jeans just two weeks after having my kid. Liars all of them 😉

    1. I know! Sometimes after being up and down half the night with one of the babes, I finally wake my husband up so I can sleep. But generally his first response is always that the baby will go back to sleep in a few minutes, and I always have to tell him how long he’s already been awake and crying because he sleeps through the whole thing!

  2. Ha!! Too much truth, although I don’t have all of these. It’s funny, though. I was really not prepared for the changes the first time. The second time I was depressed by it, because that pregnancy had complications that caused me to put on ALOT of weight on my once skinny body, scar from C-section and surgery and an inability to exercise for about a year to do anything about any of it. This time I’ve been pretty comfortable with it all. I’m in my pre-pregnancy jeans at 9 weeks out, but not sure when that was possible, since I refused to try earlier. These are not my pre-children jeans, though! Just before THIS pregnancy. 😉

    1. Ha! Yes, luckily, I don’t either, but many of them :). With my second, physically it was much easier just because I knew what to expect and my body had already taken on many of the changes from my first, but anxiety was something that I dealt with the second time around that I’d never experienced. Glad your third was much more comfortable though! That’s amazing—in pre-pregnancy jeans already! Even if they are from before this one :).

      1. None of my pregnancies were easy, but my second was so traumatic that it made my third not nearly as devastating, as far as physical changes. lol I’d managed to lose a lot of the weight from my son before I got pregnant again, but would still like to lose more. I didn’t gain much comparatively with this baby because I had all day morning sickness for 19 weeks.

        1. The morning sickness—oh no! That was a struggle during my second, too, and headaches to accompany! I know how tiring that can be. Hopefully, doing so well 9-weeks post and not having as rough of a pregnancy this time will make it a little easier to keep losing this time around if that’s what you’re shooting for! Either way, I think you’re winning, especially at only 9-weeks post!

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